The tenant in 3A complains about a cold radiator. Screwdriver Willie rushes upstairs, shuts off the radiator’s supply valve, removes the little hex nut from the side of the valve, inserts his screwdriver and turns it. Then he puts the cap back on the side of the valve, turns the black handle all the way counterclockwise, and stands up. It doesn’t take more than a few moments for the steam to move through the radiator. Screwdriver Willie holds his callused palms over the convector element and smiles "She’s good now," he’d says. "Feel." The tenant in 3A bends with a grunt, feels the overheated air wafting off the element and smiles. "That’s good," 3A says. "Thank you so much."

"You think too hot?" Screwdriver Willie asks, raising his eyebrows.

"If it is, I’ll just open the window," the tenant in 3A says.

"No, it get too hot, you call," Screwdriver Willie says, wagging his finger at 3A. Screwdriver Willie doesn’t want any more grief in his life than he already has. Open windows are like red flags to the members of the co-op board who are all miserable people. The last thing Screwdriver Willie needs is to have them seeing steam heat bleeding from the many windows, like blood from open wounds.

"Okay, I’ll call if it’s too hot," 3A says, walking Screwdriver Willie to the door.

"Promise." Screwdriver Willie asks, knowing that 3A is a stinking liar, but at least he’s now on record with her.

"Promise," 3A lies.

Screwdriver Willie goes down to his basement office and finds a note on the bulletin board outside his door. The tenant in 5A is getting a hammering noise that wasn’t there yesterday. He writes that he’s trying to watch TV and that the noise is making him crazy. Screwdriver Willie doesn’t want to mess with 5A, who is an attorney, so he rides the elevator back upstairs and knocks on the door. 5A answers and Screwdriver Willie smiles. "Something is wrong?" he asks.

"Listen to it!" 5A shouts. The pipes are ticking. "It gets worse," 5A says, and just then, it does. Screwdriver Willie actually sees the riser move a bit. "FIX IT!" 5A shouts. "I’m trying to watch TV!"

Screwdriver Willie takes the cover off the convector, and shuts the steam supply valve. Then he uses his wrench to remove that little hex nut from the side of the valve. He reaches in with his screwdriver and turns that screw. Then he puts the cap back and reopens the radiator. The knocking stops for a moment, and then gets worse. 5A shoots Screwdriver Willie a look that could scratch glass. Screwdriver Willie backs toward the door. "I need to get tools. I’ll be back," he says and scoots from the apartment.

The elderly tenant in 5B opens his door and stops Screwdriver Willie on his way to the elevator. "It’s too cold in my apartment," 5B says. "Can you look at it while you’re here?" Screwdriver Willie goes in and repeats the procedure he performed in 3A. When he is done, he wags his finger. "Don’t open the window," he warns 5B.

"I won’t," 5B lies.

Screwdriver Willie didn’t call me on the telephone. Superintendents rarely do. No, the tenant in 8C called me on the telephone. His name was Stewart. Everyone in America who has a heating problem has my telephone number.

"The noise is making me crazy," he says. "I live in a co-op apartment building in Manhattan and unless everyone in the building is having the exact same problem, no one is willing to pay for the fix."

"What type of heating system do you have?" I ask. "Is it steam?"

"Yes," 8C says.

"It’s probably your steam traps," I explain. "That’s the most common cause of banging problems in an apartment building. No one wants to take care of the steam traps so the steam just works its way into the return lines. Those return pipes are much too small to handle low-pressure steam, and that’s when the problems begin."